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Blurred Beginnings

For many years, I have longed to tell my story. It has taken me numerous attempts, many failures, and here it is. All I can be sure of today, is that I will successfully begin.

I am officially the youngest of three children. We are all two years apart. I am also the only one of the three that was abandoned by both parents. There are several stories floating around within my family about how all of that came about. As to which is true, I really couldn't tell you. What I can tell you is what I have heard, and what I personally believe. The reality is this, no matter what happens, I may never fully understand why, or even really know what happened.

My biological father's side of the story has done little flippity-flops over the years, but it's mostly this: I was 18 months old and toddlers are handfuls. He had a new relationship, and they were fond of methamphetamine more than being parents. He left me with my aunt, and somehow or another, I ended up with my great-aunt and great-uncle. He got me back one time, only to bring me back again. I saw him many times throughout the years, and knew he was my biological father. He often promised me to return on birthdays, and to bring me gifts. So many times, I found myself in the long driveway leading to our home, waiting in vain on him to arrive. So, I know he had me at one point, he gave me up, had me again, and gave me away.....again.

My biological mother fits into this very awkwardly. She left all of us pretty close to my separation from the family. She left my father for one reason or another ( she says alcohol and abuse, but I cannot say). I never saw her again until my 16th birthday. The meeting was strained, and completely inappropriate for a 16 year old meeting her mother for the first time. I dreamed of her, and was so very curious about everything about her. However, no matter how much time passes, her ability to give me anything of herself wanes, and is always lacking in content.

Moving forward to what I believe to be true. Let me begin with saying that it took me many years to take my blinders off. You know, the ones that hope and love offer up so the disappointment of reality cannot overwhelm your person entirely... I turned 39 a few weeks ago, and received all of the notifications of facebook that come with turning yet another year older, with none of my immediate biological family to show. As of today, I haven't had a single conversation with my mother in 5 months. As for my father, it has been almost 6 years now. I have never had a baby picture of myself, though I have seen one. I have no pictures of my biological parents or siblings. To some degree, I feel as though my past has been erased. One day, I hope to find some answers, especially in regards to my beginnings. As to what I believe has happened, it's pretty simple. I had two individuals that got together based solely on attraction. They didn't make it, and me, being the last of the proverbial "renegades", was tossed away. I believe they feel or felt some guilt as some point, but that they could never heal themselves. This, in turn, left them with the inability to reconstitute the relationship. After some time, I came to the realization that those that cannot love me do not deserve me.

In this blog, I invite you to join me in my journeys. I cannot be sure that what I have to say will have major impacts on your life, but I pray that, one day, my children can better understand their mother through this. I strive daily to be a better parent than I was gifted with, and have grown into my thankfulness for them. I will never hate them, but I do feel sorry for them in some sense. They missed out on a really special girl because I have figured out that I am EXACTLY what my name means...worthy of love. Enjoy your day and your life for each is short.

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